In which my mind begins to resemble that of a corn maze

I've put a lot of time and thought into what I'm about to write. So much in fact, that it is completely beyond organization. There are so many things I want to say, that no matter how much I try to organize it all, something always pops up that needs to be said, that should have been said, but hasn't yet been said. Such is the maze through which I shall now try to direct you; and yes, it's one hell of a corny maze. Turn back now if you do not wish to be lost amongst the corn.

We'll find our way eventually, I promise.

These last three months have been incredible. And not just in the positive connotation. In every single connotation you could think of. Looking back on blog posts from the beginning of this incredible journey, I don't even recognize myself or my words. I feel like I have become completely different from who I was then. I think these changes have been mostly for the better; positivity has replaced those negative tendencies that used to make up a large part of my personality. That's not to say that these changes have been robust, or even obvious to anyone except me, but they are definitely there.

About a month into the program, I made the decision to be completely independent. To live for the first time solely for myself. Unable to run to my parents house on the weekends if things got too intense; free of obligations to people other than myself and my professors; completely capable of acting for myself without having to worry about other people. In this process of creating my new independent self, I know I hurt at least one person, for which I feel terrible; however, I do not think the growth I've experienced would have been possible had I not done what I had done. At the time I did not know what I was doing, or why. But I know now, and I know that it was the right decision at the time. 

It has been difficult having this much independence. It is almost too much. But it has allowed me to change in ways I never thought I actually would. My reading this week actually describes the situation perfectly: psychoanalysis alone is not enough to transform a personality, changing the environment will yield much more efficient, lasting results. My environment here is absolutely nothing like the environment's I have lived in my whole life, and that is why it was the perfect time to take a break away from obligation to other's, and turn instead towards my own needs and desires.

In the process, I have discovered the importance of friendship, and what it really means to be a friend, and to have friends. I know this sounds silly - after all, doesn't Disney brainwash us about the power of friendship from the age of 3? - but it is just not something that ever really clicked for me. I've been a member of several "groups" of friends, and have always ended up hurt and alone due to some arrogance or stubbornness on the part of either myself or the others, typically a combination of both. Instead, I turned my attention towards completely focusing on romantic relationships. The thought process here was that if I lost my friends, at least I would always have my paramour. This proved disastrous to past relationships, especially my most intense, longest lasting one, however I could not identify that as the problem until a month or so ago. It is absurd to put all of that pressure on a single person. They cannot be your only confidant, or the only person you see regularly besides those you live with. When they leave, you have to have other people to turn to. As much as we never want to admit it, one way or another, everyone leaves (wow... ok, don't take that to be as morbid or depressing as it sounds, I'm just trying to be realistic).

It's possible that these tendencies away from establishing good friends came from following my parents' example. Now before you get mad or upset parents, you too have changed. Over the last few years, you have become much more social and begun to develop amazing friendships with people, and I can tell how that has had a positive influence on your relationship, as well as your overall happiness in life. So now, though I am doing so on my own, I am essentially following your good example. I've finally begun to learn that it is okay to be alone, and that if you do begin to feel too lonely, there is no shame in calling a friend to watch a movie, or make dinner. I've spent a lot of my life being afraid and feeling awkward. There is always that voice in my head telling me not to call someone I met recently because they probably find me awkward, and any further encounter with them would only prove to extend the awkwardness. I've since discovered that this is ridiculous.

When I first embarked on this independence mission, I took it too far to the extreme. I made no effort to contact people, and instead resorted to being completely alone, and telling myself that I was happy to be alone. But I honestly do not think that anyone can ever be happy to be completely alone. We all need people. Even if it's just to have something to go to the grocery store with. It's actually a psychological fact that if a person is removed from human contact, especially positive human contact, they will slip into a depression that can result in antisocial behaviors, as well as other psychological issues. Fortunately, I made friends with amazing people.

Having the independence that being thousands of miles away from home has made me finally realize that friends are some of the most important things in the world. They are there for you when you need them and when you don't. They allow you to fulfill almost all of your needs, without putting too much pressure on a single person. And when you are in a relationship, they make it so that you do not just sit around waiting for the other person to come home. Friends are what make us independent, because they accept us for who we are and there are no feelings of obligations which you often get from family, and romantic relationships. There is no drama if you forget your anniversary, because there are no anniversaries. They allow us our independence because they keep us sane when we are alone.

So, my conclusions from this corn maze (yes, we have made it to the center, I hope you enjoyed the corn along the way!) are that I need to maintain this level of sociability when I return home. I need to be okay with being alone. I need to not allow a romantic relationship to become the main focus of my life. This means not ditching or ignoring my friends just because someone now occupies my time. I need to make time for both, something I have never been very good at doing. In any case, the main lesson to be learned is that I need to not be afraid to meet new people, make new friends, or even just make better friends with the ones I have. There's no sense in fearing that people will find me awkward; I am awkward, and that's something that is never going to change. I'll never make any friends hiding alone. This conclusion is getting confusing. Perhaps I shall stop here. Congratulations if you actually made it to the end of this tremendously personal musing. I think this was mainly so I could finally get all these thoughts to stop flying around, and actually be written down somewhere. So, thanks for coming along for the ride :) 

(I think that last line was me switching metaphors - we've now left the corn maze and arrived back on the road of life - don't worry though, there's still lots of corn to be had!)

Just a few pictures of amazing people:

Sometimes we all like to get a little awkward