Another Unexpected Expectation for the Journey

While I was completely mentally prepared to be homesick, and miss random things like my dog, In N Out, and Su Hong to go, there was something I never really considered I would miss: Photography. Sure, I take more pictures than the average person when we go out on excursions, but that's not really the type of photography I like, or am necessarily all that good at. I miss developing a concept, setting up a scene, fiddling and getting frustrated over lighting, posing and shooting. I especially miss the editing process, where the concept usually fully comes to light. Now, there's a huge debate going on in the art photography world right now about whether a manipulated image can truly be considered "art photography." When I first started, I was completely of the opinion that any manipulation completely degraded the essence of photography. But now I see that manipulation can add so many elements to an image, just as long as you don't over do it. Fortunately, I'm not skilled enough at photoshop to be able to manipulate my images to any substantial degree, and therefore hardly ever receive comments about my work not being true photography. But I digress.

Now that I am in Berlin, there are a whole host of reasons and excuses for not focusing on my photography as much. I don't have time, my time would be better spent out exploring the city/world/being with friends who I have a limited time with. I don't have much inspiration because there is so much going on that my mind doesn't have the time to stop and consider the concepts I'm presented with. I don't have a very good location (this was evident in the dorms too, but I still managed to get a few good conceptual shots done there), nor do I have access to as many props as I once had. I also just don't have the energy. I don't think people realize how much work (both mentally, physically, and time wise) goes into the execution of a conceptual self portrait. I prefer to spend my down time relaxing, and while photography is often relaxing... it's not necessarily how I want to spend my free time.

Still, even with all these external factors, I still miss it. If I do find some inspiration, you bet I'd get out and do it, but as it is, the main thing that is holding me back is a total lack of inspiration. Perhaps this will only be temporary. Hopefully a few things about myself will only be temporary and only last my time in Berlin. Don't get me wrong, I'm having an amazing time here, but I can tell that I've become a little selfish lately - which has resulted in hurting some people I really care about. But, I'm in Europe, and will likely never have an opportunity to do whatever makes me happy without fear of repercussion ever again. As much as I don't like how I'm acting towards some people from home, I feel like I need to take this opportunity to do what I want, and what will make me happy, without having to worry about how it will make someone else feel. I'm neglecting people and photography. But, hopefully - and I'll be making a strong effort to change this - it will only last my time here. It's a completely different world, and I need to assimilate to it, which means somethings have to fall by the wayside.

I did not foresee this post turning into something a little existential, but I suppose that's what you get from stream of consciousness writing with no editing :) I have found inspiration once since arriving in Berlin. And I did a shoot that I'm quite proud of. In case you don't follow my flickr, here is the lone conceptual piece I've created in the last month and a half:

Slipping Into Serenity

(Details can be seen here)