Self Discoveries

While the main point of this blog is to fill people back home in on my goings-on in Germany, it is also a place for me to work through any emotional issues I may be facing. I tend to be a person who needs to process and analyze everything, and I feel that this personal insight will prove to be an important aspect of my time here in Berlin. When I first got here, I wasn’t entirely sure what to think. I thought it would be some incredible, life-altering experience, but it just felt normal. Perhaps that was the life-altering aspect. The fact that I feel so comfortable here it’s not even exciting. I’ve been waiting for my double rainbow moment, but it just hasn’t come yet (here’s the video link if you don’t get the reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI&feature=PlayList&p=FB5AAA911FADF219&index=0&playnext=1 Pops, this is the video I was telling you about the other day). I think that maybe I’m just a European at heart (well, I mean, I am) and so being here just isn’t that exciting. There were a few times when I had a brief “oh my god, I’m in Europe" moment, but they were never as strong as some others I had witnessed from my friends. I just accepted my new life, in a new city, in a new country without fear, anxiety, excitement or anticipation.

The first few days here were also incredibly tiring and stressful. I didn’t know anyone, and doing the simplest things like ordering food at a restaurant was the most nerve-wracking thing in the world. I found myself feeling exhausted after just one outing. However, I’ve discovered a few things through all of this stress and ambivalence. Until recently (about a year ago), I was always the type or person who needed to be surrounded by people, or one person. I was terrified of ever being alone, and even refused to eat in restaurants alone. One of the upsides of getting your heartbroken though is the positive changes it forces you to make. I spent the last year and a half working on my fear of being alone. And perhaps it has gone too far. I realized the other day, on my excursion with L, that I do much better in a smaller group, with only one or two people, than I do with an entire mob of people. I find it exhausting to be around that many people – not to mention it is impossible for a group to ever come to a conclusive decision, and I truly despise indecisiveness.

I was beginning to feel like I was missing out on truly experiencing the city because I was often turning down opportunities to be with people and see things, or simply not seeking them out. However, I have learned that I’m just the type of person who needs to be alone every once in a while. Part of my feeling so at home in this city involves me needing to maintain a few of my usual habits. The thought of going out and being surrounded by people everyday for the next 3 months tires me. When I went on a solo adventure around Alexanderplatz the other day – just strolling around for a few hours, with no real direction – it dawned on me that it’s okay for me to not be surrounded by people constantly, and that just because I haven’t done everything I want to do yet, it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to do it before I leave.

This trip is about me, and what makes me happy, and sometimes staying in and watching South Park in German is what makes me happy, and that’s okay. The only issue with this is that I can tend to be anti-social, and completely avoid social contact for weeks at a time. Fortunately, it seems that the people here are not the type to let that happen. Take tonight for example, I was planning on going to Karaoke with some people, but when I got home, I was too exhausted to go out (for no reason, I only had one class all day). But P and M called me and told me to get my butt over there because it wasn’t the same without me. And while these were probably just the words of some drunken friends, it’s reassuring to know that people will make an effort to try to get me to come out. I feel like I’m finally starting to make some friends here. The good kind, who understand when you don’t want to go out, but will force you do when they know your reasoning is irrational.

This post is probably of no interest to anyone but myself, but it’s also my only way of keeping track of this journey. And every aspect of the journey is important. It’s not just about the sites I see or the people I meet, it’s also about how the journey changes me.