In which the author begins to freak out...

...but only on occasion.

With 28 days to go until I land in Berlin, you would think I would be freaking out; asking myself questions like: Why don't I have any shoes that aren't heels or flip flops? Will I get frost bite if I go out in November with a tank top on? Where am I going to find a power adapter? Have I even paid for the program yet? Are classes cancelled when it snows? How am I going to cram so many countries into 4 short months, while still keeping up with school?

Really, all I'm thinking about is nothing. After 5 hellish weeks of commuting to summer school, I don't want to think about anything that has anything to do with responsibility. Being in class from 1-9 three days a week, and not getting home until around 10:30 every night was quite possibly the most exhausting experience of my life (ok, not quite, but it was close). I haven't had time to think about going to Germany, and now that I do, I don't want to. I know I should be excited, and I know that deep down somewhere I am, but thinking about it just leaves me feeling stressed out and irritable.

The main point of contention for me is the cost of the program. So far, I (meaning my dad) have spent about $1500 on the trip (plane ticket, suit case, backpacking backpack, etc) and in 6 days will have to pay slightly over $11,000 for the entire trip (housing, tuition, books, transportation pass, etc). When you really look at all I'm getting for this amount, it's actually quite a steal! But, getting together that much money all at once is terrifying. There's no option to defer some of the payment until later because I don't receive any financial aid. I wish I had saved my life savings to pay for this, instead of paying my own rent for 7 months.

The other thing that is freaking me out is a medical issue. Obviously I'm not going to go into details here, but I just don't want to pay all that money and then find out that I can't go because of a medical problem. I don't know what the refund policy is for the program, and that would just be the absolute worst.

So, for now, whenever I think about going to Germany I get a sinking feeling in my gut, and start to panic a bit. I know it will pass once all the bills have been paid and the doctor's appointments attended, but right now all thinking about Germany is doing is stressing me out.